I Prefer it Raw.

What have you learned?
What have I learned?

Well, isn't that a memoir for the masses.
The details almost inconceivable.
Only because of whom it is being told of, and not necessarily the teller.

Some conditions of a persons life aren't always what you are ready to comprehend.
Some emotions that many harbor you would not even begin to accept.

And why the lack of compliance?
Why are we not allowed to feel these emotions?
To play a melody in life, unlike any other. Inspiration drawn from yourself and not someone else.

We as people tend to become accustomed. We fall easily into a pattern, and when a small thread is sewn in a different direction, we are quick to call it ruin.
However, when something occurs that brings about a level of euphoria which is unforeseen, we consider this pattern to be undisturbed, when in actuality, it has been.

In light of avoiding the staple of my black heart onto a white wall, I will be very vague.

Searching for myself is a journey that blisters my feet.
It dries my lips.
It empties my heart.

The sudden realization of water beneath your feet.
A mirage you become content with due to a journey that seems unyielding.
To accept what you know in your heart and mind is not real.
To convince yourself to accept it.

So plays the music for the event of the year.
I was invited to a banquet, and the theme was Lust.

There has to be someone better dressed than I at this banquet.
There has to be someone here to escort me out.

I've danced for hours with many whom I thought suit.
I've also danced with the faceless, to pass the time.

But I am still the best dress at this banquet. Not enough Lust to create a sense of... ?
And As I dance, slowly and closer to those big open doors, they begin to close.
I'm afraid I've been locked into the banquet.
And I stare through those glass doors, into a cascade of Yellow Light.

And I see Love.
Love so close and Yet so far.

Lust go heavy, so pungent.
I no longer want this gown.

I've torn off the clothes that made me so inviting.
Removed the paint that was suppose to make me.

And Love smiles at me as I put my hand up against the glass.
So close but yet so far.

And Lust touches me.
It touches me through words.
It touches me through air.

I've become more desirable without the paint because Lust always Lust off of something pure.
Something Raw.

And as I look love in the eyes through this glass door. Hand to hand, eyes piercing into mine.
I wonder what love would do if I danced.

Is that inconceivable?
Selfish?

Love is so close. So close.
Love is in the clearing. I am locked inside the banquet.
Exposed more than ever, because Love decided to become my main distraction.

My MAIN distraction.
Distractions.

Love is all I need and want.
Lust is what I want.

Here I was, thinking that I had fully established the importance of the two.

Oscar Wilde was right in The Picture Of Dorian Grey.
It has been said that the greatest events of the World take Place in the brain.

However most of those events blow away from shame. Dishonesty.
Lying was never something I was good at.
So those events will become living Murals for the on lookers.
And for myself.

The 7 Figures Of Shaneka W.

Figure A: Im a stubborn Asshole with a ravaged heart.
I live in a Fairytale where love is much like diamonds.
But when I am abruptly awakened [I don't say rudely because the alarm was set in time], I simple turn the pages to another chapter of the Diary, and begin to create another fantasy, 7/10 times completely forgetting what happened in the last.

Figure B: I do not like being tested.Purposely.
Why waste your time on me? Why try to manipulate me with fine details I've given you. Even if in that moment I break like you've never seen me break before, I guarantee I'll be fine again. And in a unreasonable amount of time too. And if our bond is broken, guess what? I won't give a shit. Why. Refer to Figure A.

Figure C: Once you're in, Please put on your Seatbelt.
Once you've gained my trust and respect, a symbol of my appreciation for you will be etched onto the pages of my future. This is dangerous. You have the best and worse seats. It's like sitting in first class, when the plane is doing a nose dive towards the ground. I say this because if you do something so scornful that I cannot look at you the same again, you are still etched onto the pages of my future, this time as a reminder of what can lead to something Fucked Up.

Figure D:Love you like a fat kid love cake.
When I love, I love Hard. I love Strong. I love forever. I've only truly Loved once. I don't think I want to do it again.But Love is like Monopoly. You play till 6 am, say you're done with this shit, then 6 months later, you find yourself playing it again -_-.

Figure E:"I mean think 4ever thats still a long time if you take the 4 of"
I don't usually promise forever. Forever to me is a life line. The "forever" in everyone has its own countdown. Forever can only be so when it is placed in memory.

Figure F: "To know Me, is to Love Me."
Or to hate me. Strongly dislike me. Develop an obsession. An addiction, a Want. Then again, to not know me would bring about all those feelings, because curiosity is a natural human trait.



Figure G: You will Love Me
As a person. As a friend. As an individual.

LONG Over-due

I'm a fountain of laughter, in the shape of a girl

So many feelings of uncertainly have plagued my mind in the past year.

 Unbelievable.

 I wish I kept on file all the roads I chose to saunter down, maybe I'd learn...no, I WOULD learn a lot more, and not only from the ones in which I'd recorded. 

Last night I went to my bestfriends house at 1:30 in the morning and he tried to make me watch a movie called "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.". Needless to say, we started watching it some time around 3:30, and I passed out. I borrowed it so that I could watch it in full.

I'm glad I had. I learnt a few things.

And solidified thoughts of my own.

solidified: "There are always choices, just some are considered immoral"

Learnt: "Excessive goodness can often blind us to the human failings of those less perfect"

"Yesterday is only for remembering, those who live there choose to lose sight of tomorrow."

I'm still learning. 

Over the course of a year, I've experienced emotions that I've kept hidden, that have painted a mural that I have now put in plain sight for everyone to see. It's an open gallery. one portraying distaste, jealousy, consumption, confusion, uncertainty, and trickery, none of which ,I must confess, I feel in this moment.

I am in a space on tranquility.

I, Neka, allowed those events, those feelings, to occur, out of fear of lost. I allowed these occurrences because I KNEW I could take into my self all these feelings without losing self composure. This shouldn't have been so.

The reason my mind thinks at such a level of rationality, with sometimes irrational propositions is because I account for my decisions on 2 very simple fields. Can I, or can I not.

And with that said, the action, the outcome, can prove to push my thought to a magnitude that I CAN, even if I probably can't.

Now that Probably plays no role in my decision, until what I'll call figure C, starts moving in steadily. [ I will post the 7 figures later on for better understanding] 

When Figure C sets in, my mind picks up its speed of thought, sometimes crashing me into a mild wall of depression. Mild because it never last that long. 

I'm obviously running around something here. Fucking "Probably".

Probability must be balanced delicately. Balanced in tune with my never failing hope in people. 

If not scaled correctly, a decision could be made, that in later revision, can be seen as absurd and idiotic. What's worse than shame in ones blindness?  

These puzzles are the worst puzzles in life. Especially when pieces are missing, that are actually right in front of your eyes. What's worse? If it were someone elses puzzle, I could have easily solved it.

I'm confused. But I know I'm not. Just apprehensive, because of the "Probability".

You Live, Learn, Then realize thats a cycle.

In the past week I've learned quite a bit about myself. It took a turn of events to make me feel it and see it. Or should I say see it and not feel it?
I'm a very passionate person. Passionate about life and the progress that is made with it. I only believe in moving forward, I can stay in one position but for so long. To get me, you must get that.

In every aspect in life I cannot sit still. Cannot "Make-due". I refuse too. My personality is too strong and thriving to do so. I'll readily leave my comfort zone for a risk. Jump ship in a half a second, blow my cash cause I know I can get it back. Put myself out there knowing theres a chance to get hurt.

I learned that I'm flawed in the sense that I'm a believer. I have this unfailing faith in people, even after I've walked out or they've walked out. People are so concerned with being hurt or causing hurt, that they live their life behind a glass wall, with the excuse of "I don't wanna hurt you". They never put too much into anything.

That's not in my Character.

I don't have the fear of pain, but more of the weariness. I have a strong outlook on life. I will place as much as I think is needed into someone. Even if they don't do the same. A lot of people might view this as idiotic but I'm rational about these situations.
I don't just get smitten and strung out on someone then do my all for them. No, I do good to everyone. Woman or Man. I believe in love in the face of all things. I have a very strong soul. I've been hurt, and I always deal with it in a way that my peers think I'm a lunatic, or just hiding the hurt. But I'm not. I just know the fear in people won't allow them to do what I do.
The safety of saying "I told you I didn't want to do this" as if to say I told you so. But everyone has read these books and know the outcome. So why not push it? I will push the limits. I will stick to time. But I know when to let go.

I get tired of hearing the same thing over and over, so I try not to repeat myself. Now a days I don't have words that I think are worth speaking if a situation goes off the edge. People will be people.
With a personality like mine, I'm able to take and expel a lot of emotional pain, which is both good and bad. This means that I can take emotional pain. However, this also means that I get over it easily. I let it go. And some things just shouldn't be so. Some things are viewed as lack of respect for ones self, and I have so much respect for who I am as a person. Thus, I'm put in the stand point between 2 doors, the wrong and right, each with their own substantial reasoning and consequences.

When do you decide that your time has ended? I say ended because realistically speaking, some people just need to be freed. And once its over...its over. No friendship. No interactions. No running into each other. That's it.

Companionship in this world is a must. It doesn't have to be love, but its a great feeling when you have someone to make you smile. People forget that you must give space for growth, but when their is no security in the first place, just words, growth might be viewed as disrespect. Or IS disrespect. The way of the world ; when given a inch take a yard. And after the yard?.....

I am hell bent on respect. Sure I curse like my vocabulary is frail, but I am very stern in my belief in respect for others. Especially if they are good to you. And when I've put so much time, belief and hope into someone , And keep hitting this wall. I reach this end ;

"Figure A: Im a stubborn Asshole with a ravaged heart.
I live in a Fairytale where love is much like diamonds.
But when I am abruptly awakened [I don't say rudely because the alarm was set in time], I simple turn the pages to another chapter of the Diary, and begin to create another fantasy, 7/10 times completely forgetting what happened in the last."

I write because sometimes in this world you forget who you are as a person. I love me. I love who I am, and lately I've been re-reading things. I almost forgot. They help me to remember.


When I don't feel it. When I see one-sided growth. Self-centered. More frustration than Happiness. It's time for me to move.
Who wants comfort in frustration? When your importance is non-existent, your emotions must be override with Logic. Walk.
When the only explanation is "I didn't want to hurt you" or "I always hurt the ones that care the most" and never "I'm sorry I caused you pain?" Well, its that fucking time.

Sure he treated me better than any other guy, but he caused as much pain, And I never stuck around for as long as I did. No one has disrespected me the way he has. I'm not even angry, because like I said, I expel hurt easily. But I'm disappointed. Very disappointed.

I'll be one less of "the ones that care".
I see the blank look on your face and the posture in your form that signals a shrug, while you look at a miscellaneous item and bite your lip. A look of "what do you want me to say?" written on your face. Eh, Well, I was expecting that. You won't have anything to say. Or feel.

I have a lot to feel. I have said what I thought was worth saying. You can try to find someone who fit to you as well as I did. It's going to be difficult finding someone like me. Because they don't exist. I'm better than the women that want you. But you don't see that. No. I wasn't a distraction to what you aspired, I supported you. I didn't blow things out of proportion. Not to please you, but because that detail was simply a part of my character.

And No I don't hate you. I'm just disappointed.

You live, learn and then realize its a cycle. How long must you stay in one cycle to realize what is being thrown right at your face? Not long. Only if you choose to.