I'm a fountain of laughter, in the shape of a girl

So many feelings of uncertainly have plagued my mind in the past year.

 Unbelievable.

 I wish I kept on file all the roads I chose to saunter down, maybe I'd learn...no, I WOULD learn a lot more, and not only from the ones in which I'd recorded. 

Last night I went to my bestfriends house at 1:30 in the morning and he tried to make me watch a movie called "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.". Needless to say, we started watching it some time around 3:30, and I passed out. I borrowed it so that I could watch it in full.

I'm glad I had. I learnt a few things.

And solidified thoughts of my own.

solidified: "There are always choices, just some are considered immoral"

Learnt: "Excessive goodness can often blind us to the human failings of those less perfect"

"Yesterday is only for remembering, those who live there choose to lose sight of tomorrow."

I'm still learning. 

Over the course of a year, I've experienced emotions that I've kept hidden, that have painted a mural that I have now put in plain sight for everyone to see. It's an open gallery. one portraying distaste, jealousy, consumption, confusion, uncertainty, and trickery, none of which ,I must confess, I feel in this moment.

I am in a space on tranquility.

I, Neka, allowed those events, those feelings, to occur, out of fear of lost. I allowed these occurrences because I KNEW I could take into my self all these feelings without losing self composure. This shouldn't have been so.

The reason my mind thinks at such a level of rationality, with sometimes irrational propositions is because I account for my decisions on 2 very simple fields. Can I, or can I not.

And with that said, the action, the outcome, can prove to push my thought to a magnitude that I CAN, even if I probably can't.

Now that Probably plays no role in my decision, until what I'll call figure C, starts moving in steadily. [ I will post the 7 figures later on for better understanding] 

When Figure C sets in, my mind picks up its speed of thought, sometimes crashing me into a mild wall of depression. Mild because it never last that long. 

I'm obviously running around something here. Fucking "Probably".

Probability must be balanced delicately. Balanced in tune with my never failing hope in people. 

If not scaled correctly, a decision could be made, that in later revision, can be seen as absurd and idiotic. What's worse than shame in ones blindness?  

These puzzles are the worst puzzles in life. Especially when pieces are missing, that are actually right in front of your eyes. What's worse? If it were someone elses puzzle, I could have easily solved it.

I'm confused. But I know I'm not. Just apprehensive, because of the "Probability".