You Live, Learn, Then realize thats a cycle.

In the past week I've learned quite a bit about myself. It took a turn of events to make me feel it and see it. Or should I say see it and not feel it?
I'm a very passionate person. Passionate about life and the progress that is made with it. I only believe in moving forward, I can stay in one position but for so long. To get me, you must get that.

In every aspect in life I cannot sit still. Cannot "Make-due". I refuse too. My personality is too strong and thriving to do so. I'll readily leave my comfort zone for a risk. Jump ship in a half a second, blow my cash cause I know I can get it back. Put myself out there knowing theres a chance to get hurt.

I learned that I'm flawed in the sense that I'm a believer. I have this unfailing faith in people, even after I've walked out or they've walked out. People are so concerned with being hurt or causing hurt, that they live their life behind a glass wall, with the excuse of "I don't wanna hurt you". They never put too much into anything.

That's not in my Character.

I don't have the fear of pain, but more of the weariness. I have a strong outlook on life. I will place as much as I think is needed into someone. Even if they don't do the same. A lot of people might view this as idiotic but I'm rational about these situations.
I don't just get smitten and strung out on someone then do my all for them. No, I do good to everyone. Woman or Man. I believe in love in the face of all things. I have a very strong soul. I've been hurt, and I always deal with it in a way that my peers think I'm a lunatic, or just hiding the hurt. But I'm not. I just know the fear in people won't allow them to do what I do.
The safety of saying "I told you I didn't want to do this" as if to say I told you so. But everyone has read these books and know the outcome. So why not push it? I will push the limits. I will stick to time. But I know when to let go.

I get tired of hearing the same thing over and over, so I try not to repeat myself. Now a days I don't have words that I think are worth speaking if a situation goes off the edge. People will be people.
With a personality like mine, I'm able to take and expel a lot of emotional pain, which is both good and bad. This means that I can take emotional pain. However, this also means that I get over it easily. I let it go. And some things just shouldn't be so. Some things are viewed as lack of respect for ones self, and I have so much respect for who I am as a person. Thus, I'm put in the stand point between 2 doors, the wrong and right, each with their own substantial reasoning and consequences.

When do you decide that your time has ended? I say ended because realistically speaking, some people just need to be freed. And once its over...its over. No friendship. No interactions. No running into each other. That's it.

Companionship in this world is a must. It doesn't have to be love, but its a great feeling when you have someone to make you smile. People forget that you must give space for growth, but when their is no security in the first place, just words, growth might be viewed as disrespect. Or IS disrespect. The way of the world ; when given a inch take a yard. And after the yard?.....

I am hell bent on respect. Sure I curse like my vocabulary is frail, but I am very stern in my belief in respect for others. Especially if they are good to you. And when I've put so much time, belief and hope into someone , And keep hitting this wall. I reach this end ;

"Figure A: Im a stubborn Asshole with a ravaged heart.
I live in a Fairytale where love is much like diamonds.
But when I am abruptly awakened [I don't say rudely because the alarm was set in time], I simple turn the pages to another chapter of the Diary, and begin to create another fantasy, 7/10 times completely forgetting what happened in the last."

I write because sometimes in this world you forget who you are as a person. I love me. I love who I am, and lately I've been re-reading things. I almost forgot. They help me to remember.


When I don't feel it. When I see one-sided growth. Self-centered. More frustration than Happiness. It's time for me to move.
Who wants comfort in frustration? When your importance is non-existent, your emotions must be override with Logic. Walk.
When the only explanation is "I didn't want to hurt you" or "I always hurt the ones that care the most" and never "I'm sorry I caused you pain?" Well, its that fucking time.

Sure he treated me better than any other guy, but he caused as much pain, And I never stuck around for as long as I did. No one has disrespected me the way he has. I'm not even angry, because like I said, I expel hurt easily. But I'm disappointed. Very disappointed.

I'll be one less of "the ones that care".
I see the blank look on your face and the posture in your form that signals a shrug, while you look at a miscellaneous item and bite your lip. A look of "what do you want me to say?" written on your face. Eh, Well, I was expecting that. You won't have anything to say. Or feel.

I have a lot to feel. I have said what I thought was worth saying. You can try to find someone who fit to you as well as I did. It's going to be difficult finding someone like me. Because they don't exist. I'm better than the women that want you. But you don't see that. No. I wasn't a distraction to what you aspired, I supported you. I didn't blow things out of proportion. Not to please you, but because that detail was simply a part of my character.

And No I don't hate you. I'm just disappointed.

You live, learn and then realize its a cycle. How long must you stay in one cycle to realize what is being thrown right at your face? Not long. Only if you choose to.